Female students react to the news in typically hysterical fashion.

One day after caving in to pressure from the Christian right over allowing a Muslim call to prayer from the chapel tower, Duke University has reversed course on another issue which is sure to delight conservatives everywhere.  The University has decided that it will no longer admit female students after evangelist-by-birth Willie Graham tweeted, “Now that we have removed three minutes of diversity from that campus, I call on donors to withhold all donations from Duke University until they stop admitting women, the way Jehovah intended.”

Vice-Provost Walter “Whitey” McCrackerson explained, “Having girls around campus has proven to be a huge distraction for our male students.  I know a lot of these girls have great ambition, and they came to Duke hoping to find husbands, but honestly, if they haven’t latched onto a man by the time they graduate high school, there’s a 34% chance they were going to end up as miserable, childless spinsters anyway.” When asked if male students could be upset with the absence of women on campus, McCrackerson pointed out that “most of the girls at Duke spend their nights studying anyway.  If our men want to sow their oats with willing girls, Chapel Hill is just a few miles down the road.”

“You see,” added Graham, “when women live together, they end up all getting on the same cycle, if you know what I’m saying.  If the Lord wanted women to all be on the same cycle, then he would have created them that way, right?  If my Daddy weren’t still alive, he’d be rolling over in his grave just thinking about that perversion of God’s creation.”  Furthermore, McCrackerson claims the policy provides the extra benefit of eliminating sexual assault claims on campus so “the Judicial Board can focus on real crimes like cursing your mother and father or sowing different seeds in the same field.”

In related news, the Duke Chapel will hereafter be known as “Koch Chapel at Duke University,” following a generous overnight donation to the school.