In a shocking move, despite applications from several potential rulers with legitimate succession claims, FIFA has awarded the coveted Iron Throne to lovable but dim servant Hodor.  Almost immediately, accusations of bribery began echoing throughout the Seven Kingdoms.

(SPOILERS BELOW)

“This is total bullshit!” growled Stannis Baratheon.  “I burned my own daughter alive, I impregnated a fire-crotched witch with a freaking smoke-baby I then used to kill my younger brother, and they give the throne to that simpleton?  It’s completely immoral!  Have they no sense of decency?!?”

Outgoing FIFA President Sepp Blatter explained at a hastily thrown together press conference that after awarding the world’s most popular sporting event to Qatar, a country with less than half the population of South Carolina, and an only slightly better human rights record, the organization sees the decision as a public relations coup.  “People like Hodor the way I like snuff films, and I LOVE snuff films,” crowed Blatter.

Far away in Mereen, Daenerys Targaryen seems to have made peace with the decision, abandoning her quest for the throne in favor of a new career in stand-up comedy.  She recently booked a gig warming up the crowd in the fighting pits before the main event:

“I would be sitting on the Iron Throne already if my pets didn’t keep dragon me all over the place!  Get it?  ‘Dragon’ me?  Whew, tough crowd.  Is this thing on?  OK, let’s try another one: Tyrion Lannister is soooo short….”

In a move obviously calculated to curry favor with the public, king-elect Hodor sat down for an interview with 60 Minutes’ Leslie Stahl last night.  Taking a stance sure to rally the masses, Hodor promised that within the first 100 days of his reign, he would Hodor, and guaranteed that the realm would achieve Hodor, Hodor, and possibly even Hodor before the next Winter comes.

The news was a particularly brutal blow to the Lannister family, who were forced to flee King’s Landing and regroup in Casterly Rock to figure out their next move.  “I would have given my right arm to win that bid,” moaned Jaime Lannister.  Huddled in the corner with a queen-sized box of Franzia white zinfandel, Cersei Lannister hissed, “I swear upon the lives of my inbred children that I will make Sepp Blatter pay for this injustice!  Unless, of course, I find out he’s related to me, in which case I will make sweet, sweet love to him at every opportunity.”

In the North, the outrage over FIFA’s decision doesn’t appear to be nearly as strong.  When asked if this was the greatest injustice she had ever experienced, Winterfell heir Sansa Stark replied incredulously, “What?  No.  Not even close.  No.  Jesus Christ, seriously?”