Monthly Archives: December 2015
Top Ten Similarities Between Jimmy Carter and Donald Trump
There have been a lot of right-wing blogs and Fox News contributors frothing at the mouth lately about how Donald Trump’s proposal to ban all Muslims from entering America is EXACTLY THE SAME as what President Jimmy Carter did when Iranian visas were canceled upon the severing of diplomatic relations with that country during the Iran Hostage Crisis in 1980.
Of course, most of you can read that last sentence and see that those are not at all the same thing, because you are rational human beings with functioning brains. I could give you an exhaustive explanation for why 
that comparison is moronic and dishonest (seriously, I’ve already written it), but (A) people who know Trump is an idiot don’t need the history lesson, and (B) Trump supporters don’t care about facts so it’s a waste of time to try and educate them.
BUT, despite that stupidity, there actually are many legitimate comparisons that can be made between Jimmy Carter and Donald Trump. Here are the Top Ten (or, at least, the first ten I could think of):
#1 – Hall of Fame Inductions
– Jimmy Carter was elected to the Georgia Writers Hall of Fame in 2006.
– Donald Trump was elected to the World Wrestling Entertainment Hall of Fame in 2013.
#2 – Famous Siblings
– Donald Trump has a sister who is a federal court judge.
– Jimmy Carter had a brother who was the spokesman for “Billy Beer” and one time urinated on an airport runway in front of a group of reporters. Carter obviously wins this comparison, hands down.
#3 – Adultery
– Jimmy Carter once famously said he was guilty of adultery because the Bible says adultery includes “lusting in his heart,” even though he had 
never physically cheated on his wife.
– Donald Trump has committed actual adultery many, many, many times.
#4 – Building
– Jimmy Carter’s charity, Habitat for Humanity, has built homes for nearly 7 million underprivileged Americans.
– Donald Trump has built a lot of monuments to himself.
You could house a lot of poor people in that monstrosity.
#5 – Vietnam Draft
– Upon taking office, Jimmy Carter pardoned all Vietnam draft dodgers.
– Donald Trump was a Vietnam draft dodger.
#6 – Opposition to Abortion
– Jimmy Carter has always believed that abortion should be illegal.
– Donald Trump has believed abortion should be illegal for, like, the past four years.
“I was fer it before I was agin it!”
#7 – Christianity
– Jimmy Carter has been a devout Christian his entire life.
– At the Values Voter Summit in September, 2015, Donald Trump held up a Bible he probably found in the night stand of his hotel room.
#8 – Nuts
– Jimmy Carter is well-known for growing nuts before seeking political office.
– Donald Trump is well-known as a nut seeking political office.
#9 – College Degrees
– In 1947, Jimmy Carter graduated from the U.S. Naval Academy.
– In 2010, Donald Trump received an honorary Doctorate of Business from Robert Gordon University in Scotland. (Editors Note: Robert Gordon University revoked this honorary degree in 2015 after finally realizing that Trump is a huge asshole)
#10 – Noble Boycotts
– In 1980, Jimmy Carter led the international community in boycotting the Summer Olympics in Moscow after the Soviet Union’s illegal invasion of Afghanistan.
– In 2015, Donald Trump called for a boycott of Macy’s department stores because they decided not to sell his crappy Made in China clothing line anymore once Trump publicly revealed himself to be a horrible racist shithead.
So, there you go. They’re practically twins. Well, fraternal twins, maybe. Who can’t stand each other. And have nothing of substance in common. And have different parents. But, still, practically twins.
Priorities, Man
Reasons Obama Won’t Say “ISIS”
As you certainly have noticed by now, while most politicians, media, and, oh hell, everybody else on the planet, refers to the Islamic State terrorist group as “ISIS,” President Obama insists on always calling them “ISIL.” Now, “ISIL” may be technically more correct, but Mike Huckabee and Ben Carson tell me that correctness is destroying this nation (and they never add a “just kidding” after, so it must be true), so there must be other reasons for it. At long last, somebody (me) has finally mustered up the courage to call the White House and just ask the Commander-in-Chief what that’s all about. Accordingly, here are the many reasons why Barack Obama refuses to call the Middle Eastern terrorist group by the name “ISIS”:
1. “ISIS” rhymes with “Crisis” and the President doesn’t want anybody to get the idea that a heavily-armed America-hating cult shooting up California office parties, causing thousands of refugees to flee their homes, and cutting off reporters’ heads might constitute some kind of crisis.
2. President Obama has a rare kind of lisp that only allows him to pronounce an “S” sound correctly once in each word. This also explains why he never campaigns in Mississippi.
Of course, there may be other reasons why Obama doesn’t visit Mississippi much…
3. The Information Science and Information Studies program at Duke University has a well-funded lobby, and, to our knowledge, hasn’t decapitated anyone in at least the past ten years.
4. The President is a huge fan of the 1970’s all-female horn-rock band, “Isis.”
5. President Obama doesn’t want to piss off this goddess:
6. The first time Obama said “ISIS,” one of his daughters thought he was saying “eye cyst” and told him he was totally gross, which hurt his delicate feelings.
7. “Isis” reminds everybody of the time Bill Clinton debated what the meaning of “Is is.”
“That Egyptian chick up there is pretty hot, am I right?”
Unfair and Unbalanced 