After Sarah Palin faded away and Christine O’Donnell finally admitted that she was not a witch after all, there was only one loud female voice left to be heard in the insane man-cave more commonly known as the Tea Party.  That loud nutty female voice belonged to Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann who announced on May 29, 2013 that she would not seek re-election in 2014.  She also announced that this decision had nothing to do with the investigation into her possible misuse of campaign funds (just a coincidence, nothing to see here, folks).

The late night talk show hosts are losing one of their greatest muses, but thanks to the information superhighway, Bachmann’s greatness will still be available to astound future generations.  The following are some of the greatest quotes of the Bachmann experience.  In the classic Beatles song “Michelle,” Paul McCartney sings (in English and French!) “these are words that go together well.”  Clearly, based on the following words, that song was written about a different Michelle:

Compassion Is Not Michelle’s Best Quality

On Melissa Etheridge’s breast cancer diagnosis: “This may be an opportunity for her now to be open to some spiritual things, now that she is suffering with that disease.  She is a lesbian.” (2004)

[Editor’s note:  Is the disease cancer or lesbianism?  It’s not clear.]

She Is Also Not A Scientist

“I’m not a deep thinker on all of this.  I wish I was.  I wish I was more knowledgeable, but I’m not a scientist.” (September, 2003)

But She Plays One On TV

“Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful.  But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.” (April, 2009 on the House floor)

A 12-Year-Old Girl in the Honolulu Airport Created Our Freedom

Wearing a Hawaiian lei while speaking on the House floor:  “I’m reminded that the one who created this lei also created our freedom.” (November, 2009)

Bachmann Fixed Public Education in Only 47 Days

“Public education is my number one issue.” (July 24, 2006)

“Radical Islam is the number one issue for our country right now.” (September 9, 2006)

No Judge Has Ever Said Either of These Things

“What a bizarre time we’re in when a judge will say to little children that you can’t say the Pledge of Allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.” (March, 2004)

So, This Constitutional Amendment Would Only Apply in DC and Guam?

“I do support a Constitutional amendment on marriage between a man and a woman, but I would not be going into the states to overturn their state law.” (June, 2011)

Cooties Are the Gateway Drug to “Gayness”

“You have a teacher talking about his gayness.  [The elementary school student] goes home then and says ‘Mom, what’s gayness?  We had a teacher talking about this today.’ The mother says, ‘Well, that’s when a man likes other men, and they don’t like girls.’  The boy’s eight.  He’s thinking, ‘Hmm, I don’t like girls.  Maybe I’m gay.’ That happens all the time.” (November, 2004)

Abraham Lincoln is Way Overrated

“But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.” (January, 2011)

You’ll Still Be Homeless and Hungry, But You’ll Be a Lot Sweatier

“If we took away the minimum wage – if conceivably it was gone – we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.” (January, 2005)

If All Else Fails, Bachmann Still Has Her Health

“[Terry Schiavo] was healthy.  There was brain damage, no question.” (October, 2006)

Michelle Went to France Once.  And Then To Europe.

“Now with the President, he put us in Libya.  He is now putting us in Africa.” (October, 2011 Presidential Debate)

Seriously, Geography is Not Her Strong Suit

Speaking to a group of New Hampshire Republicans: “You’re the state where the shot was heard around the world in Lexington and Concord.” (March, 2011)

[Editor’s note:  The Tea Party itself is actually named for a significant pre-Revolutionary War event that also took place in Massachusetts.]

In Her Defense, There Aren’t Many Black People in Minnesota

To Michael Steele, the first African-American Chairman of the Republican National Committee:  “Michael Steele!  You be da man!  You be da man!” (2009 Conservative Political Action Conference)

Didn’t The Same Thing Happen When Prohibition Was Repealed?

“The immediate consequence, if gay marriage goes through, is that K-12 little children will be forced to learn that homosexuality is normal, natural, and perhaps they should try it.” (March, 2004)

Pat Robertson Called.  He Wants His Crazy Back

“I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians.  We’ve had an earthquake, we’ve had a hurricane.” (August, 2011)

[Editor’s note:  The hurricane she’s referring to was Hurricane Irene which caused more than 50 deaths and more than $15 billion in damages]

No Plagues for Bill Clinton?

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970’s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter.  And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.” (April, 2009)

[Editor’s note:  The prior swine flu outbreak actually occurred in January and February of 1976 when Gerald Ford, a Republican, was President]

A Glaring Omission Indeed

“Where in the Constitution does it say the federal government should regulate potatoes in school lunches?  It doesn’t.” (2011)

Do It For Your Country, Tom

“I think Thomas Edison did a pretty patriotic thing for this country by inventing the light bulb.” (2011)

Send In The Clown

“John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa.  That’s the kind of spirit I have, too.” (June, 2011)

[Editor’s note: It’s actually serial killer John Wayne Gacy who was from Waterloo, Iowa]

Worst.  Field Trip.  Ever.

“Someone’s 13-year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus that night.”(March, 2010, after falsely asserting that Obamacare would create “sex clinics” in public schools)

You Know It’s Bad When You’re Too Nutty for Glenn Beck

And, finally, a video entry.  Glenn Beck is known as a right-wing nutjob himself, but even he can’t wait to get Michelle Bachmann off of his show.  After about two minutes, Beck is grimacing, closing his eyes, and repeatedly shaking his head at Bachmann’s overly dramatic fear of the evil Census Bureau.  Enjoy:

Farewell, Michelle, you will be missed (just not for the reasons you might think).