Category Archives: Uncategorized
Walmart Pulls Billy Idol Albums From Shelves
In the wake of calls by Republican politicians to remove the confederate battle flag from the South Carolina state capitol grounds, Walmart has announced that effective immediately, all Billy Idol albums are being removed from its stores. The official press release reads as follows:
“After watching in awe as bandwagon-jumping Republican politicians temporarily leap off the crazy train of hate-mongering GOP rhetoric and pretend to support rational, compassionate modern thinking, we at the Walmart Corporation realized it would be bad business not to act like we care more about people than profits, at least during this crisis. So, after very little thought and much public opinion polling, we have decided to remove all traces of Billy Idol’s music from our North American locations. With his pro-slavery anthem “Rebel Yell,” anti-interracial marriage screed “White Wedding,” and obvious ode to the confederate flag-flying capital of South Carolina, “Hot in the City,” Mr. Idol built a career oppressing both minorities and those with musical taste alike. We have also informed Universal Pictures that we will not be stocking Pitch Perfect 2 on DVD because of the presence of Ms. Wilson, just in case.”
Elected to the SC State Senate twice
While most Americans are blindly supporting this pandering measure, at least one group is willing to voice its displeasure with the move. Jethro McCrackerson, the Grand Hoohah of the Grandsons Of Daughters of Confederate Officers Nation (GODCON), strongly feels that Walmart is unnecessarily alienating its core customer base. “Look, Walmart sells a lot of guns,” he explained, “and we like guns a whole lot, so, well, I forget what we was talkin’ about, but we really like guns, OK?”
When informed of the decision, Billy Idol was beyond shocked: “Bloody hell! You could still buy my albums somewhere?”
NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES KEPT ON CLINTON’S KINDLE
Swipe left, swipe left, swipe left…
The conservative elite media is having one of their standard hissy fits over the revelation that America’s nuclear launch codes were stored on Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s personal Kindle Fire. In typically hysterical fashion, Fox News correspondents have been fretting all day about “unacceptable recklessness” and “national security” and “nuclear holocaust” (whatever that means – sounds like some made-up anti-Semitic nonsense).
When a nosy reporter with too much time on his hands asked why she would keep such sensitive information on her Kindle, Secretary Clinton cleverly pointed out that “Computer networks are compromised all the time, but you never hear about anybody’s mobile device getting hacked, do you?” The reporter, who had obviously read too many tabloids in the checkout line, then started to tell some fanciful story about cell phones being hacked, but Clinton just cackled, as she does, and told the reporter he would need to go to the back of the line if he wanted any further contact with her.
To get ahead of any possible (fabricated) controversy, President Obama granted an exclusive interview to neutral, unbiased MSNBC anchorwoman, Rachel Maddow, a partial transcript of which follows:
Maddow: Good morning, Mr. President, you are looking exceedingly Presidential today, sir.
Obama: Thank you, Rachel. I appreciate your nonpartisan compliments, as always.
Maddow: OK, what’s all this garbage about launch codes on Hillary’s Kindle?
Obama: Secretary Clinton had our nuclear launch codes on her Kindle.
Maddow: You are so refreshingly honest. How did this happen?
Obama: Look, I don’t micromanage every federal government employee. Do you know how many federal government employees there are?
Maddow: Not nearly enough!
Obama: You got that right!
(A fist bump is shared between the two.)
Maddow: But, of course, your racist critics will say this wasn’t some low-level IRS agent, this was the Secretary of State.
Obama: Well, I certainly wouldn’t MICROmanage such a MAJOR position.
Maddow: That’s totally logical. Now, my understanding is that this non-issue is no longer an issue.
Obama: That’s correct. Secretary Clinton deleted the launch codes from her Kindle.
Maddow: Hear that, American people? Only President Obama has access to the codes.
Obama: Well, not exactly.
Maddow: What do you mean?
Obama: Secretary Clinton’s copy of the launch codes was our only copy.
Maddow: So…we can’t launch our nuclear weapons?
Obama: The nuclear option is off the table.
Maddow: Oh. Maybe you shouldn’t have told me that.
Obama: What do you mean?
Maddow: Well, publicly taking military options off the table might embolden our enemies, right? Isn’t this the kind of thing that should be kept secret?
Obama: Transparency is one of the hallmarks of my administration, Rachel.
Maddow: Well done, sir. It was an honor to conduct this neutral, unbiased interview.
Honesty. Transparency. No micromanaging. The country remains in good hands, people. Nothing to see here. Move along. Clinton in 2016.
FIFA AWARDS IRON THRONE TO HODOR
In a shocking move, despite applications from several potential rulers with legitimate succession claims, FIFA has awarded the coveted Iron Throne to lovable but dim servant Hodor. Almost immediately, accusations of bribery began echoing throughout the Seven Kingdoms.
(SPOILERS BELOW)
“This is total bullshit!” growled Stannis Baratheon. “I burned my own daughter alive, I impregnated a fire-crotched witch with a freaking smoke-baby I then used to kill my younger brother, and they give the throne to that simpleton? It’s completely immoral! Have they no sense of decency?!?”
Outgoing FIFA President Sepp Blatter explained at a hastily thrown together press conference that after awarding the world’s most popular sporting event to Qatar, a country with less than half the population of South Carolina, and an only slightly better human rights record, the organization sees the decision as a public relations coup. “People like Hodor the way I like snuff films, and I LOVE snuff films,” crowed Blatter.
Far away in Mereen, Daenerys Targaryen seems to have made peace with the decision, abandoning her quest for the throne in favor of a new career in stand-up comedy. She recently booked a gig warming up the crowd in the fighting pits before the main event:
“I would be sitting on the Iron Throne already if my pets didn’t keep dragon me all over the place! Get it? ‘Dragon’ me? Whew, tough crowd. Is this thing on? OK, let’s try another one: Tyrion Lannister is soooo short….”
In a move obviously calculated to curry favor with the public, king-elect Hodor sat down for an interview with 60 Minutes’ Leslie Stahl last night. Taking a stance sure to rally the masses, Hodor promised that within the first 100 days of his reign, he would Hodor, and guaranteed that the realm would achieve Hodor, Hodor, and possibly even Hodor before the next Winter comes.
The news was a particularly brutal blow to the Lannister family, who were forced to flee King’s Landing and regroup in Casterly Rock to figure out their next move. “I would have given my right arm to win that bid,” moaned Jaime Lannister. Huddled in the corner with a queen-sized box of Franzia white zinfandel, Cersei Lannister hissed, “I swear upon the lives of my inbred children that I will make Sepp Blatter pay for this injustice! Unless, of course, I find out he’s related to me, in which case I will make sweet, sweet love to him at every opportunity.”
In the North, the outrage over FIFA’s decision doesn’t appear to be nearly as strong. When asked if this was the greatest injustice she had ever experienced, Winterfell heir Sansa Stark replied incredulously, “What? No. Not even close. No. Jesus Christ, seriously?”
The Original Mattress Factory – Republican Shill?
Commercials by The Original Mattress Factory are constantly airing on television and radio, usually talking about how great their springs are or something, but I recently heard one on my car radio that never really mentioned their product at all. The ad, apparently titled “The Declaration,” is an ode to the Declaration of Independence in anticipation of the impending July 4th holiday. Toward the end of the commercial, I was surprised to hear the following:
“Our Founders intended this government to be one of limited power, created expressly to protect our rights.
As time has progressed, however, it has become less limited in scope and our rights less secure.”
Hey, wait a minute! Did company spokesman Ron Trzcinski just sneak some Republican propaganda into what I expected to be an innocuous mattress ad? Certainly not, since Ron claims to have left his job as President of the Ohio Mattress Company because he objected to their “cash is king” philosophy. That anti-capitalist idea doesn’t sound very conservative.
However, if you poke around the information superhighway, you find that this is not the first time Independence Day has inspired Mr. Trzcinski to share his views on the problems caused by big government. In the summer of 2012, the ad which aired in the weeks before July 4th was apparently called “American Dream.” According to Mr. Trzcinski, people now believed that the American Dream was:
“something that ought to be handed out. It is expected, demanded even, and the sense of entitlement
has led to record debt and persistent joblessness.”“Um, yes, I was promised there would be some extra-firm Queens available in this establishment?”
Thanks to Mr. Trzcinski, we learned that the national debt was not enhanced by fighting George W. Bush’s war in Iraq and the unemployment rate was not a result of the economic recession that began under President Bush, but rather we can chalk these problems up to the laziness of poor people. Really? You’d think a company like this would market their product to all people rather than blame the most vulnerable of them for problems they couldn’t have possibly caused. And you would also think that after all of the Republican sex scandals (Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Mark Sanford, Bob Allen, Phil Hinkle, Edward Schrock, the list goes on and on…), the party wouldn’t be thrilled to be associated with a mattress company these days.
Unfair and Unbalanced 