As you certainly have noticed by now, while most politicians, media, and, oh hell, everybody else on the planet, refers to the Islamic State terrorist group as “ISIS,” President Obama insists on always calling them “ISIL.” Now, “ISIL” may be technically more correct, but Mike Huckabee and Ben Carson tell me that correctness is destroying this nation (and they never add a “just kidding” after, so it must be true), so there must be other reasons for it. At long last, somebody (me) has finally mustered up the courage to call the White House and just ask the Commander-in-Chief what that’s all about. Accordingly, here are the many reasons why Barack Obama refuses to call the Middle Eastern terrorist group by the name “ISIS”:
1. “ISIS” rhymes with “Crisis” and the President doesn’t want anybody to get the idea that a heavily-armed America-hating cult shooting up California office parties, causing thousands of refugees to flee their homes, and cutting off reporters’ heads might constitute some kind of crisis.
2. President Obama has a rare kind of lisp that only allows him to pronounce an “S” sound correctly once in each word. This also explains why he never campaigns in Mississippi.
Of course, there may be other reasons why Obama doesn’t visit Mississippi much…
3. The Information Science and Information Studies program at Duke University has a well-funded lobby, and, to our knowledge, hasn’t decapitated anyone in at least the past ten years.
4. The President is a huge fan of the 1970’s all-female horn-rock band, “Isis.”
5. President Obama doesn’t want to piss off this goddess:
6. The first time Obama said “ISIS,” one of his daughters thought he was saying “eye cyst” and told him he was totally gross, which hurt his delicate feelings.
7. “Isis” reminds everybody of the time Bill Clinton debated what the meaning of “Is is.”
“That Egyptian chick up there is pretty hot, am I right?”
Unfair and Unbalanced 